Let’s say you don’t feel like running away. Let’s say you’ve always wanted to fight zombies and now, at last, this is your real chance! Let’s say you are a bit peeved with your chemistry teacher because they were insulting about the standard of your homework and now that said teacher has gone Z you plan to take your awful revenge! Let’s say you and your mates are having a competition about who can top the biggest number of lurchers. Or maybe let’s say you are a stupid, suicidal, nutjob with a severe case of reality denial!

So you stay at school. I’m not sure why I should write advice to someone like you anyway but if I don’t the book will be too short and I won’t be able to charge as much as I would like and then I won’t have enough money to do my own apocalypse preparation, and hey, that is such a bad idea, so here goes nothing – advice for morons!

Actually, thinking it over, that paragraph might have been a bit harsh. After all, some people will get stuck in school and have to fight their way out (especially if they didn’t read the guidelines on how to identify zombie teachers and students carefully enough). So, people who got stuck – this is for you guys!

 

Q1 Why do fish swim in schools?

It sounds stupid doesn’t it? If all the tasty little fish all swim together then all the big predator fish will just sail on up and open their mouths. So – goodbye lots of little fish. But the point, of course, is the maths. One little fish and one predator. Chance of being eaten – pretty high. One thousand little fish and one predator. Chance of getting eaten – well, it can’t catch all of you, so better than facing the barracuda on your own. So, all the little fish swim in schools, not because they are friendly, but because they are completely, utterly, selfish and 100% looking out for No. 1.

So, what does this little lesson from the animal kingdom tell us about zombie evasion? It tells us that if you run with the crowd there is a bigger chance that the lucky munchers will grab someone else. Basically ‘meat shield’. Once your fleshy protection has carried you through the worst of things you can peel off and slip quietly out of the school, all the time hoping that the screams and panic will attract the Zedders to where you are not.

Points to remember:

1 Keep away from the edge of the screaming, panicking mass of terrified students (those on the edges get picked off first).

2 Keep close to someone you don’t really care about. A quick shove can give a hungry zombie something warm and yummy to take their attention away from you.

3 Don’t actually panic.

4 Because if you do, you might end up running into a dead end or something equally inconvenient.

5 Keep calm, run with the mob, but keep your eyes open for a chance to peel off out of the group and let the group lure the hungry zombs away from you.

6 Don’t wait too long to ditch the zombie bait.

7 Do not lend this book to any of your ‘classmates’ as you never know if one of them might have chosen you as bait. Also, if you don’t lend it they have to buy it themselves and, what do you know, more cash for yours-truly! Life is good!

 

Q2 Do you have any kind of weapon on you?

OK, probably not. This is school, after all. But here is the crucial difference between those who survive and those who do not! Weapon creativity! If you think of weapons only as guns, knives, swords and so on, you are going to be disappointed (at least for a short while – after that you will be dead). But, if you can scavenge any kind of weapon from the mess around you, then you are in with a chance (refer to section on weapons and self defence for details).

Q3 Do you have a jacket?

I don’t care if it is hot – if you have a jacket or coat or anything, put it on! Zombies are sometimes fast, they can have extraordinary strength, they are persistent, but their teeth are human. They can’t bite through a nice warm jacket sleeve. So wear something. If you don’t have your own, steal! Wear something!

Q4 Do you have a bag?

Bags can be weapons. Swing them. Fill them with heavy things (like books) and swing them at anyone who gets in your way. Think dangerous granny with a brick in her handbag. Be that granny!

Q5 What else can be a weapon?

What you need most is not a weapon of destruction like a machete or a katana (they come in later when you have settled down, made yourself safe, and want to clean up the neighbourhood a little). What you really need is something to keep the teeth and nails, the clawed, ripping fingers, the source of infection, at bay. A stick – something that can be used to fend off the rabid fiend – maybe your classroom has a pole to open windows? Maybe it has a stick for pulling down a projector screen? Maybe there is nothing in the room except for a broken down plastic umbrella which has been sitting there for the past six months. That umbrella is your friend! Do not let anyone else take away your friend! That friend may just save your life!

Right. That’s it. Avoid if possible, escape if necessary, fight if you must – and sometime or another, you must. That’s why the next section is all about weapons and self-defence. Or is it about protective clothing? You know, I really don’t remember.