Teenagers, let’s face it, have a tendency to kiss each other. Often this is accomplished in the relative privacy of the local park or behind the bicycle sheds. However, it is not unusual for those who have newly discovered that they are actually, genuinely, physically attractive enough to be kissed by another, real human being, to be so ecstatic that they feel an overpowering need to let other people in on the good news. This, naturally, results in significant amounts of overtly public face sucking. Now, as we all know (at least we do if we have seen Shaun of the Dead and the ‘kissing scene’ outside the pub*) for an outside observer, kissing is not remarkably different to good old fashioned biting (just with less blood and screaming). This is where you thank your stars that you, as a person predisposed to believe in the coming zombie apocalypse, are likely to occupy a social niche of remarkably low romantic probability. Or, in other words, you are very, very, unlikely to know anyone willing to be seen kissing you in public (or not seen kissing you anywhere else for that matter). This, emotionally scarring though it may be, is, I repeat, exceptionally good news. You really don’t want to feel the earth-shaking delight of having been found physically attractive enough to snog (in public), painfully morph into pain and horror as your newly acquired significant other simultaneously bites your lips off and thrusts their stiffened fingers into your abdomen in search of a nice squishy, tasty little bit of liver. Especially as they probably have very, very bad breath. The ultimate point being, that if you see people kissing and they don’t scream, fall over, bleed profusely or thrash like a hooked fish, then the kissy people are probably not Z-people. Of course, they are still insufferable smug show-off twit idiots, but no doubt they will grow out of it. If they live long enough, that is! Ha ha!

*And if we haven’t seen Shaun of the Dead – why not! Write me a 500 word essay explaining your complete lack of value as a human being to be handed in next Friday at 10:00 am in the closest convenient wastepaper basket or toilet. Thank you.