This is not a trick question and anyone saying ‘with their nose’ deserves all the mockery and derision that they will indubitably incur. If your teacher smells of rotting meat, then you may need to get your hockey stick ready. However, first check that they are not a biology teacher (or substitute for same) who has recently been dissecting rats. It might also be a good idea to check if they have cleaned their teeth recently, but do not, repeat NOT, get close enough to check inside their mouth (see Q1 checkpoint 2, or Q5).

If your teacher smells of beer, whiskey, or just alcohol, then they are probably NOT A ZOMBIE. Zombies do not drink anything except blood. Even if they lurch or shamble, if your teacher smells of alcohol they are probably not a zombie. Lurching and shambling are not only indications of zombiehood, but also of intoxication. Many teachers regularly retire to the local pub at lunchtime to help them relax after a hard morning of being petty, sarcastic, and unpleasantly overbearing (see Q1 check point 2). Others keep a secret bottle of whiskey, vodka or gin in their desk (be aware that the glass of water or iced tea your teacher habitually sips all through class might not be pure ‘water’ or ‘tea’ but may be a different and considerably more potent beverage.

If your teacher smells musty, dusty, or just plain stale, they are probably not one of the walking dead. These are normal smells for teachers, especially the ones who use chalkboards. Remember, most teachers do not have homes to go to, and spend most nights kipping on the floor of the school stock cupboard – hence the musty, dusty odour.