If ‘no’ your teacher is probably NOT a zombie, as lurching and shambling are classic indicators of zombification. However, it is possible that your teacher is what is technically defined as a ‘freshie’. This means that they may be freshly infected and not yet showing all the symptoms of fully developed zombiedom. Just because they don’t shamble does not mean you should relax your vigilance!

If ‘yes’ stand well back, your teacher may well be a zombie! However, it is important to bear in mind that there are many perfectly innocent reasons for lurching, shambling, or suffering in some degree from ambulatory impairment. Conveniently there are a number of useful check-points which can help in the diagnosis:

Check point 1

Is it early morning?

If yes, the teacher may still be asleep. It is a well known fact that many teachers, especially veteran teachers, can function minimally at their jobs without the need for engaging their ‘higher’ brain functions. Many teachers actually live at school (see Q2) and do not therefore have to travel far to the classroom. So, if you are faced with an early morning shambler, check to see if their eyes are open (zombies tend strongly towards the wide eyed, hungry, nobody at home look). If the teacher’s eyes are closed or mostly closed they are likely to not be infected with the zombie virus and you could try waking them as a final check – however, take care not to get too close. Even a non-zombie teacher can react violently when unpleasant little oiks yell ‘wakey, wakey’ directly into their hairy lug-holes.

Check point 2

Is it just after lunch?

If yes, then the teacher may simply be intoxicated – see Q2 for details. A surreptitious ‘breath-smell’ check may be in order (see Q2). However, may I suggest that you do not actually put your own face close enough to a shambling teacher to smell the alcoholic fumes. Remember, close enough to sniff, you can be a stiff! Instead, why encourage a ‘classmate’ to do the job for you.

Like this:

You:             [insert name of teacher] is totally wasted! Reeks of beer!

Classmate:    You’re just making that up!

You: No.      It’s real. Just take a sniff. Pissed as a newt. Look, can’t even walk properly!

Classmate:    OK, that’s jolly interesting. But I think I’ll check for myself because I trust you like I’d trust a sleazy old git in an overcoat, standing in a dark alley, offering to share his sweets.

Classmate then moves closer to sniff the teacher’s breath. If they are savagely attacked and chewed upon, run away, if not, stick around to hear just what odours were actually encountered.

Check point 3

Is it afternoon?

If yes then the teacher may be tired or their bunions* may be playing up.

Check point 4

Is the teacher clutching either, a) a mug of strong coffee, b) a packet of paracetamol/aspirin/Alka-Seltzer, or, c) what appears to be a large glass of tomato juice (aka Bloody Mary)?

Does the teacher seem especially sensitive to loud noises or bright lights?

If so, this is NOT a zombie. Zombies do not need pain killers or anything to settle their stomachs. Nor do they need any of the proverbial hair of the dog that proverbially bit them. This teacher, despite the fact that they are probably lurching, making horrible groaning noises, and look like something which died and then stood up again, is almost certainly simply suffering from a hangover. Sad, but true.

Even if your teacher is shambling, appears to be awake, does not smell of alcohol, is not clutching over-the-counter analgesics and is not known for their bunion problems, it is still possible that they may still NOT be a zombie (see this is more difficult than you thought, isn’t it). Please refrain from beating the teacher about the head with a blunt object (aka chair) until you have checked the rest of these questions and read the disclaimer at the foot of the section.

* Bunions: An unpleasant lump on the joint of the big toe. Painful to the touch and often resulting in a stiff or ungainly walk. Common in teachers.