I was sittin’ in my house,
(It’s a nice house,
Got rugs and chewies
And a gnarly kind of lived in feel),
When I hears a noise.
Not a big noise,
Just a bit of a scratchin’ and stuff,
Like animals.
Well, what do you do?
Might be a squirrel, right?
So I goes outside an’ takes a look,
And bold as brass,
Sitting out there,
Licking its bloody arsehole bum,
Is this cat.
Well, cats, it’s not exactly an option is it?
Yer gotta bark. Right? So I does. Full throttle.
Even though it means not snoozing in my house.
(Which, as I said, is a pretty nice house,
An’ good for snoozing,
An’ got rugs an’ chewies,
Oh yeah, an’ it smells good, too. Kinda gnarly.)
Anyway, cats, right?
So I barks, an’ I rushes out,
An’ naturally, in the excitement,
I forgets about the bloody chain.
Boss human fixed it up, so it must be a good thing,
Right?
But sometimes I wonders,
Nah, not really.
Joke. Ha ha.
But the bloody chain,
Which, as I say, is probably a good idea really,
Pulls on my bloody collar and damn near rips my bloody head off.
Good job I’m tough. Right?
But cats, you know,
Got ter do what yer got ter do!
So, barkin’ and yankin’ on the bloody chain,
An’, you know, bits o’ drool flyin’ about,
Though fortunately, that don’t go on my stuff in my house,
Cos, you know, that’s quite some house I got there,
Pretty neat!
An’ all the while the bloody cat is sittin’ there licking its bits,
An’ I’m barkin’ and tell the truth, it could’ve gone on all day,
What with the cat obviously bein’ deaf, blind an’ stoopid,
But the boss human comes on out,
An’ yells a bit, an’ that’s good cos then I don’t have ter bark no more,
So, back inter me house,
(‘Cause, y’know, coolest, bestest place to be, right?)
An’ guess what?
The rugs and blankies, they still warm!
Got ter hand it ter the human.
Knows it’s stuff!
There’s a reason these fuckers run the whole show, right?
Goin’ ter chew the chewie bone now.
Done snoozin’
Done barkin’
Done been a good dog,
Doin’ a damn good chew now.
Damn good day, I reckon.
Still,
Bloody cat.
(But I bet the bloody cat ain’t got a house like I got!)