Evading a zombie directly from the classroom is fine in an emergency or in the case of a sudden outbreak of happy munchy zombie teachers, but the sad boring truth of zombie evasion is that prevention is better than cure. It’s a little like washing your hands after handling road kill, only completely different.

Question 1. Why in (insert deity of choice)’s name are you actually going to school in the middle of a zombie apocalypse? Are you stupid? Stay at home, OK?

In the event of a zombie outbreak in your (town / city / village / area of bleak underpopulated, inbred countryside) it is (unless the rest of your family is hunkering down to a nice raw meat dinner in front of the broken TV) a good idea to stay at home.

Question 2. Are your parents sympathetic?

It is a sad but true fact that a great many parents react rather negatively if you inform them that you think that a zombie apocalypse is immanent and that it would therefore be a good idea to not go to school today. Highly predictable responses range from ‘do you think I’m stupid?’ through ‘stop messing around and get your shoes on’ to ‘don’t worry about school today, dear, I’ve made an appointment with a very nice doctor instead. They’ll just ask you a few simple questions about what you think of some lovely little inkblot cards. Oh, look, here are the men in white coats who will escort you to your appointment, please don’t struggle, dear, you’ll only get hurt.” (Not everybody, after all, lives in perfect symbiotic bliss with world’s best mum/dad – be on your guard!)

The problem is very simple. Most people are unwilling to believe in a zombie apocalypse, even if there are snarling, moaning, flesh eaters all around. People assume it is a publicity stunt, some kind of street theatre, or that they have inadvertently wondered onto the set of a particularly realistic horror movie with some rather jolly good special effects –eeeugh! They will believe anything other than the truth (including believing that their child has the perfect psychological profile for admittance to the local high-security psychiatric institution – which might not be such a bad idea if it really were ‘high security’ rather than just a place where you just get shot up with docility drugs and left drooling in the corner of a room all day waiting to be nommed on). People with this ‘zombie-denial’ mind-set (aka parents) generally don’t live very long once the hungry dead start rising, so the problem usually has a rather limited duration. Unfortunately, unless you are careful, their failure to accept reality, even for just a short time, can absolutely nullify all your best laid zombie apocalypse plans by making you go to a school where the word ‘zombie’ is literal rather than simply metaphorical.

Evasive action 2b. Lying.

If your parents are not sympathetic to the idea of you staying at home to avoid zombies, then, lie. Of course, some people will tell you that lying to your parents is a terrible thing to do, but to my mind it is nowhere near as bad as sending your child into a zombie hotspot in the feeble and simpleminded belief that they will learn something vital for their future career. The lack of any future career other than as a mindless lurching cerebrovore rather negates that argument (or is there something important here that I have missed?).

So, lie. Or even just half-lie. Tell them that there has been an outbreak of flu or some other nasty virus, and the school is closed for a few days. Or, if they are the kind of parent that actually checks the school to make sure, tell them that youhave a nasty virus, maybe the flu, or maybe a rare blemish free version of chicken pox. Lie as convincingly as you can, stay at home, survive. Easy.

Evasive action 2c: The good old fashioned “go-to-school-with-no-intention-of-going” trick.

This is relatively straightforward. This is for use only if your parents are evil bastards who do not care if you return home moaning and eating brains. In this horrific scenario, you go out of the house, seemingly to attend school, but really in search of a spot where you can hide and be relatively safe. At around home-time, return home and hide in a cupboard. Simple. Used all over the world by disillusioned young people who have learned to hate school. Take a shotgun with you just in case. Every survivor in a zombie apocalypse needs a shotgun, as seen in popular movies and TV shows. If you cannot get your hands on a shotgun, go for a crowbar, machete or a chainsaw, as Hollywood says these are the best weapons possible, and if Hollywood says it’s true, it must be true, as Hollywood never lies (not). Actually, ignore all that ‘weapons’ stuff, we have a section later in the book where we look at how to arm yourself without getting arrested. And, just in case you were thinking that getting arrested might be a good idea – you know, locks, iron bars, police protection, but no inconvenient mild-dulling drugs, then think again. The police are an exceptionally high-risk group as they routinely investigate ‘domestic disturbances’ and other ‘unruly’ or ‘antisocial’ behaviour’ and are pretty likely to find themselves in close contact with people who should be dead but instead are inconveniently walking around taking chunks out of the general public. So, be warned, don’t get yourself locked up with a group of people dribbling antiseptic into nasty looking wounds and complaining that ‘the fu**ing bastard fu**ing bit me’ – especially if they have the keys to your cosy new domicile.