Let us assume that evasion has failed and you find yourself in a school which is host to an unpleasant outbreak of the walking dead. If you are really unlucky yourteacher will be the first to turn. If that is the case your first hint of trouble will come from keen observation and identification of the telltale signs of zombiism (see How to Tell if Your Teacher a Zombie?).

If you find yourself in a zombie school, what should you do?

Let’s try one of education’s greatest successes – the multiple choice question (loved by teachers all over the world for its ease of marking and apparent objectivity).

Q1, What should you do?

A      Try to persuade everyone that you don’t taste very nice, so please leave me alone.

B       Kill everyone you meet, just in case.

C       Get really close to the action in the hope of catching sight of a famous actor.

D      Laugh maniacally and go around saying ‘Ha! I said it would happen – but did they believe me? No! Suckers! Look at them now, slobbering and groaning, running around like headless chickens. I told them! I told them all! They said I was mad. They said I was delusional! Hah! Who’s the nutjob now, hah? Who’s pathetic now? Cringe you worms! The apocalypse is here! The zombies have aaaaagh!’ or words to that effect.

E       Leave school immediately (carefully avoiding any response to people who stupidly ask ‘oi, where do you think you’re going you little oik?’) and head directly for the pre-arranged rendezvous point where you will meet your friends (see section on ‘Preparing for the Apocalypse’).

Answers:

If you answered ‘A’ you are a pathetic wimp. And stupid. The only effect that explaining might have on a brain hungry forager is to attract their attention. This, believe me, is something you really, really, don’t want to do.

If you answered ‘B’ I think you are a very nice person and I don’t want to upset you. (Fu**ing psychopath!)

If you answered ‘C’ you obviously missed some of the earlier arguments about reality denial and believing absolutely anything except that brain gobblers are for real. It. Is. Not. A film. Set!

If you answered ‘D’ then I think I would like you to be my friend. I think I would like you to walk a little bit in front of me because that shows the proper respect for your profound understanding of the zombie scenario, and I would like you to really let the idiots know how wrong they were. (Just up until someone comes along who is just targeting your noise rather than feeling bad that they misjudged you, at which point I will push you, hard, in that direction and run fast in the opposite direction. Thanks buddy!).

If you answered ‘E’ you are probably in the minority. However, after a few hours of natural selection, you may well be in the majority. Well done!