Well, we’ve all read Terry Pratchett’s Pyramids where an assassin, so overloaded by weapons, slowly keels over and clatters to the floor – what! You haven’t? So why are you wasting your time reading this rubbish when you could be having fun reading a proper book! Shame on you, and ‘no’, you can’t have your money back – you paid for it, it’s your fault!

Anyway, the point is, more is better, but only up to a point, from when onwards it becomes too much. Obviously, you need the traditional big pointy stick, and equally obviously, you need an occasional back up weapon or two hidden around your person. And naturally, you have to consider the general nastiness of most of humanity, and so arm yourself with something for fighting off those who have not actually risen, but, who are still trying to slip a knife between your ribs because they want your sandwich, or because they felt like it, or because they saw you looking at their girlfriend/boyfriend/motorbike/dog/parrot/tee-shirt/[insert favoured object of obsessive-possessive-psychotic-fixation here], and arm yourself against such potentially deadly situations. So, a big stick, a machete, a few knives, possibly a collapsible crossbow, another knife, spare bolts for the crossbow, some sort of projectile weapon (other than the crossbow) preferably more deadly that your average Nerf[1]gun, one or two more knives, and a band-aid. No, scratch the band-aid, it’s not a weapon. But keep it, because it might be useful, but not as a weapon, see?

Of course, the problem here is getting your hands on the weapons[2]. See below.

Getting your hands on the weapons. This can be a big problem if you go for the ‘more is better ‘option. Especially as in most civilised countries possession of deadly weapons is ever so slightly illegal. Means you have to be quiet and sneaky about it. Try buying a crossbow on the internet and you’ll soon discover just how much your basic right to privacy has been incorporated in a big computer programme accessing billions of data chunks, and red-flagging your innocent little purchase long enough for the local equivalent of what the British amusingly call jam sandwiches (British police cars are often white with a red stripe along the side) come screaming unto your road and nice people with megaphones start cocking[3]their guns[4]and asking you to come quietly.

No, but seriously, if you want to get yourself weaponed up[5]there are ways and wherefores. Firstly, if you want to carry illegal weapons then the sensible thing to do is to wait until the rule of law has broken, or is breaking, down. Once the madness starts people don’t really care what you do so you get on your trusty bicycle (see sub-section on transport), grab a duffel bag (not the most practical but really, really traditional), grab the previously prepared notebook[6]where you have painstakingly written down the locations where weapons are likely to be found. Then off you go to get weaponed up! But don’t forget you interim weapons because, obviously, your gun hunting spree might coincide with a) zombies, b) other people aiming to get properly weaponed up[7], c) people you don’t like. The kinds of weapons which might be available will depend upon where you live. So, USA, guns, guns, guns[8]; UK, knives, axes, pickaxe handles, bricks in handbags; other countries, various combinations of the UK and the USA, but don’t forget museums for a pretty neat variety of edged weapons and a reassuring lack of armed guards.

[1]™

[2]And, of course, standing up, walking in a straight line, not clinking and thus attracting unwanted, undead attention, staying standing up, moving at more than a snail’s pacedue to the prohibitive weight of your essential defensive stuff, avoiding a heart attack, and naturally, choosing a weapon quickly enough to use it without getting nommed first. All this, assuming you can stand up and stand the weight of all that crap.

[3]No pun intended.

[4]The police in Britain are generally not armed with guns, just nasty hard extendable batons (sticks), however, there are such things as armed rapid response units full of people who are really bored because of the lack of dangerous armed crime they have to respond to, and who almost never get to use their guns (meaning, you know, really keen and eager).

[5]‘Weaponed up’ now there is a cool word. Makes you sound cool and tough, means what it says, and guaranteed to irritate people who value the traditional purity of the English language.

[6]Because, breakdown of society, basic services start to fail, high technology AKA the internet bites the dust, no google maps, no memos on your phone, lots of painstaking physical writing of notes and memos. Who said paper was dead!

[7]Here it is again, ‘weaponed up’! That’s three times now not including these footnotes! That makes me mega-cool, because, you know, more is better. Always. Look upon my words, ye morons, and despair!

[8]Quick point, lots of guns are nice, but when you get home and find you have ten big dangerous guns, which take ten different kinds of bullets, and you don’t actually have the right bullets for any of them, just imagine what a dick you will feel! So, golden rule, for guns, more is not always better; for bullets, more is definitely better (they won’t be making any more) but make sure they fit your carefully selected piece of ordinance – otherwise, dick feeling time!